death by wildlife

[Midwest Spy]

You're a big, strong woman who hasn't ever considered making her man a sammich, and my wife LIKES making me a sammich.

Can we just focus on the fuckupedness of this one statement?

I don't mind making food for my loved ones, sometimes it can be very zen, but to insist your wife LIKES to make you sandwich is somewhat disturbing.

First, she probably licks the knife after she makes her own sandwich and smiles a special, knowing smile at you when she brings you your tainted sandwich.

Second, did you marry a woman who has striven only to make you a sandwich? Is that the maximum display of codependence and weakness?

Third, she's probably lying. She would probably prefer YOU make the fucking sandwiches IF you would clean up after. You probably skip the last part, so she makes the sandwich to avoid a big mess.

Fourth, you are American Dad. I hope you keep your weapons in a gun safe. One day your wife is going to make you a sandwich then go for the guns, all with a big smile. I don't know her, so I don't know if she'll take you out first or herself. Only you know that.

Next time she is in there happily making you a sandwich, ask her if she secretly hates you. You might be surprised at her answer.

I love 'splainin myself to you haters...

She only makes me a sandwich so I don't go blow money eating out. Very frugal.

I don't have any guns. Neither of us are big believers in having them in the home, especially with little ones present.

She actually might despise me. I'm not very romantic. I could use some pointers there from you bee-otches.