02-07-2023, 12:06 AM
Good evening and welcome to the Comedy Wigwam and Strip Club!
First, I’d want to apologize about the increase in ticket prices. This time it wasn’t us . . . it was Ticket Master who scalped you! And it’s great to see so many white faces in the crowd. But I will admit, with all the warpaint on your women’s faces it makes me a little nervous. NO . . . I’m just kidding. I love white people. You look great!
I really do love white people. Especially when they think I’m Mexican and the tell me to go back to where I came from. No irony, there, right? But like I said I love white people. I smile and tell them I’m not Mexican . . . I’m Indian. They usually get a little embarrassed, pause for a moment and then shout: “Well go back to India, put me hold and then help me with my Windows problem!”
Yeah . . . I love white people! Especially tourists. I randomly approach them, when they’re visiting our Rez and I ask: “Can I take your picture?”. Sometimes I just drop “Did you know my great-great grandmother was a full-blooded American Princess?” Or “You honor the square with a dance, do you honor the trapezoid with a dance, too?” And “Do you teach your children to count with one little, two little, three little pale-skins?” Yeah . . . fun times!
Truth is, I’m terrible with math. I remember struggling with the multiplication tables as a kid. Every time I saw the problem "4 X 4 = ?" I wrote F-150. But I was educated in a white school. Yeah . . . one of those ones run by Rez missionaries. Which, by the way, is why most of my people prefer vehicles with hard tops. We aren’t a “convertible” type. Me? I drive a Lexus, but it identifies as a Grand Cherokee . . . like your Elizabeth Warren!
I loved reading as a kid! Especially anything by Dr. Sioux. And playing “Indians and Indians” with my brothers. I came from a very traditional family. When my one brother told my parents he liked both men and women, they began referring to him as Buffalo . . . you know, their “Bison”. They were just grateful he wasn’t a Navajo. For all of you white people who didn’t understand that: An extremely common Navajo surname is “Begay”. My parents think it is better having a son who goes both ways, instead of one who just wants to ”Be Gay”.
I do love white people and I’m always surprised how many of them know and appreciate our culture and history. There are so many who respect our ancient ways and are incorporating them into their daily white lives. It is a blessing and I thank you. But please, don’t fall on your sword by reminding us of all the horrors your ancestors perpetrated on my people. Like with smallpox . . . just give a "blanket" apology . . . for all your sins.
Okay. That’s all for now but stick around for my late night set! And don’t forget all the Braves and Squaws, working hard brining you your fire-water! Toss ‘em a little wampum and let them know you care!
You’ve been a great crowd and hope to see you later!
First, I’d want to apologize about the increase in ticket prices. This time it wasn’t us . . . it was Ticket Master who scalped you! And it’s great to see so many white faces in the crowd. But I will admit, with all the warpaint on your women’s faces it makes me a little nervous. NO . . . I’m just kidding. I love white people. You look great!
I really do love white people. Especially when they think I’m Mexican and the tell me to go back to where I came from. No irony, there, right? But like I said I love white people. I smile and tell them I’m not Mexican . . . I’m Indian. They usually get a little embarrassed, pause for a moment and then shout: “Well go back to India, put me hold and then help me with my Windows problem!”
Yeah . . . I love white people! Especially tourists. I randomly approach them, when they’re visiting our Rez and I ask: “Can I take your picture?”. Sometimes I just drop “Did you know my great-great grandmother was a full-blooded American Princess?” Or “You honor the square with a dance, do you honor the trapezoid with a dance, too?” And “Do you teach your children to count with one little, two little, three little pale-skins?” Yeah . . . fun times!
Truth is, I’m terrible with math. I remember struggling with the multiplication tables as a kid. Every time I saw the problem "4 X 4 = ?" I wrote F-150. But I was educated in a white school. Yeah . . . one of those ones run by Rez missionaries. Which, by the way, is why most of my people prefer vehicles with hard tops. We aren’t a “convertible” type. Me? I drive a Lexus, but it identifies as a Grand Cherokee . . . like your Elizabeth Warren!
I loved reading as a kid! Especially anything by Dr. Sioux. And playing “Indians and Indians” with my brothers. I came from a very traditional family. When my one brother told my parents he liked both men and women, they began referring to him as Buffalo . . . you know, their “Bison”. They were just grateful he wasn’t a Navajo. For all of you white people who didn’t understand that: An extremely common Navajo surname is “Begay”. My parents think it is better having a son who goes both ways, instead of one who just wants to ”Be Gay”.
I do love white people and I’m always surprised how many of them know and appreciate our culture and history. There are so many who respect our ancient ways and are incorporating them into their daily white lives. It is a blessing and I thank you. But please, don’t fall on your sword by reminding us of all the horrors your ancestors perpetrated on my people. Like with smallpox . . . just give a "blanket" apology . . . for all your sins.
Okay. That’s all for now but stick around for my late night set! And don’t forget all the Braves and Squaws, working hard brining you your fire-water! Toss ‘em a little wampum and let them know you care!
You’ve been a great crowd and hope to see you later!