I like to open with a joke.

[Cutz]

So a Pickle, a Cucumber, and a Penis are talking about who has it the worst. The Cucumber say, "Man, my life is rough, when I get ripe, they're gonna cut me up and put me in a salad. I've got it the worst."

The Pickle responds, "You think that's bad? When I get big and ripe, they seal me in a jar of vinegar till I drown, then when I'm hanging on within an inch of my life, they take me out, cut me up, and throw me on a hamburger. I've got it way worse than you."

So the penis says, "Hey guys, that's all pretty bad, but listen to this. When I get big and ripe, they seal me in an airtight bag, shove me in a dark room, and ram my head into a wall over and over again until I throw up and pass out!"